there are two sides of me – polar opposites. for years they have battled one another for power. in the last few months, one side took a brutal hit and consequently left the battlezone. the lack of dichotomy brought peace within and i nestled warmly into this newfound sense of one self.
the winning side gave me calm, yet obsessed over the frivolous, and attempted to erase any sign of the other self. the other self was very much creative, intuitive, and often driven. the current self is addicted to reading about the complete farce of politics. the previous self would despise such ugly behavior and call it out for what it was while ultimately condemning it.
current self is healthier to the vessel but harmful to the mind. it is quick to anger about things which do not, in any way, affect it. the current resident does not wallow in depression, staring blankly at music video after music video. it also creates nothing. it feels little. it takes risks the other self would never have considered – but worldly risks. to be specific, today’s inhabitant wants the white picket fence american dream with two kids and a christmas tree. the other self despises christmas altogether and would never selfishly bring children into this place.
it seems there is a conflict of interest. i know what the majority would say about this conundrum. it is crystal clear that the new attitude is ‘healthier’ and that this self has a much, much higher chance of someday fitting into society. i see that, i respect it, and it is precisely why i am making every attempt to let this worldly self rule.
but there are moments, like the other day as snow fell solemnly and i felt nothing, that i miss the bold, creative, deeply introspective self that dismissed the worldly. i’m tired of the television, of the politics, and of having to choose between two versions of myself.
a slave cannot serve two masters, however.
i suppose it’s beginning to look a lot like christmas.